ENTER THE NINJA.

5 Nov

College has re-opened finally.

And already things are happening.

Our university is organizing a TEDx talk in 5 days that I’m pretty excited about, but can’t be too excited about because well, most students of our college aren’t allowed to attend it because of some complicated TED rule. Now, what I am excited about then?

One of the speakers is a real-life ninja . THAT SOUNDS SO COOL RIGHT??

Except he’s not a real-life ninja yet. He’s a wannabe ninja.

This wannabe ninja quit his job and moved to Japan to train in the various arts of ninja-ry or whatever it is they learn. And he’s coming to speak to us on the power of dreams and fulfillment.

I’ve always wondered what the ninja schools teach.

As i imagine the ninja education process, their study of the mystical lore of the martial arts is supplemented with repeated film screenings of Beverly Hills Ninja and Kill Bill Vol 1 and 2. And if they’ve been good little ninja, Ninja Cheerleaders. Or Cheerleader Ninja.

Despite my fascination for ninja, I’ve resigned to myself to the fact that i shan’t be able to listen to the wannabe ninja in person. But then again, some people don’t share my enthusiasm.

Today, I told my friend that the college is hosting a TEDx conference. Extract from the conversation:

Me: Annnd get THIS, one of the speakers is a NINJA! Niiinnnjjjjaaaaaaaaaaa. (vague karate gestures)

Friend: BWAHAHAA. Your kidding me, woman. What’s the topic of his conference? Facing Your Worst Enemies: The Art of Disemboweling and Torture?

Me: No, you weirdo. Gawwdd. He’s coming to talk about the art of following your dreams and your passions! He left his job to train to become a ninja! Niiiinnnjaaaaaaa. (vague karate gestures continue)

Friend: Lemme get this straight. This man has left his normal, well-paying job to follow his dreams and his passions. Fantastic. And you do realize that this dream and passion of his is to train to become a well-oiled killing machine. Because I’ve never heard of any ninja in the running for the Nobel Peace Prize. And your college has invited this (vague karate gestures) lean mean killing machine to speak to all of you. About following your dreams.

I’m guessing she was trying to make point there, but I’m not sure what it was.

Niiiiiiiiinjaaaaaaaaaaaa.

 

 

CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE MEGALOMANIAC.

20 Oct

Creating a nation isn’t as easy as one thinks. I should know.

November 13th of this year will mark a decade  since the awesome government-sim game Jennifer Government: Nation States was launched, much to the delight of a certain power-hungry teenager. It might not be as much of a hit as it was earlier, but with 92,000 active nations, I’d say that tops anything the UN can pull out of its hat.

WELL, THEN AGAIN.

The game itself allows you to create your own nation, with its own name. Then you choose your classification: Rogue government, Grand Duchy, Fiefdom and so on. Your world is your oyster.

SURELY YOU JEST WOMAN!

Then, figure out your nation’s history. Are your people a plucky band of survivors? Or a recently discovered tribe? Your friendly neighborhood Ethnic Cleansers? Take your pick before you move on to deciding what type of government you are: Anarchic? Evil? Or the very ambiguous choice, Random.

Then quickly wrap up the formalities with your new currency, national animal and motto.

With your new country created, join the World Assembly! Take random decisions that affect your ragtag group of anarchists, ethnic cleansers and violent segregationists.

While writing this post, I’m still trying to figure out what my new nation should be called. As usual, I’m attempting to be intelligent without sounding like I’m trying too hard. This is, as next few lines will show you, always always really hard.

A few hours earlier, I had decided on a whim, to call my new nation The Oppressed Peoples of Marchenland.

Which to my ultimate horror and amusement I discovered when translated reads as:

The Oppressed People Of FairyLand. I guess this explains all the evil step-mothers.

FOUND: ONE HOLY GRAIL.

15 Oct

By a seemingly miraculous series of events, i have ended up with the Holy Grail.

Well, the Holy Grail to any literature fangirl. Like me.

Preparing for my American Literature exam involves a lot of not paying attention in class during lectures and a LOT of last minute online cramming and calorie-filled comfort food. In the ensuing anxiety attack and sugar high, I clicked a link.

Well, on retrospect, THE link.

Have you ever dreamt that you would ever find Benedict Cumberbatch’s velvety baritone reading out ‘Ode To A Nightingale’ and ‘Jabberwocky’?

Jeremy Irons reciting ‘Daffodils’? Christopher Walken reading Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven’? Or Bob Dylan’s rendition of “Twas The Night Before Christmas’?

http://speakcelebrity.tumblr.com/

My personal favorites: Tom Hiddleston’s readings of “When You are Old” by W.B Yeats and “Bright Star” by John Keats, “Love’s Philosophy” by Keira Knightley.

The best one?

Toe curling and eargasmic, “Kubla Khan” by Benedict Cumberbatch.

IF HE KNOWS THE EFFECT HE HAS ON ME, HE’S CERTAINLY BEING VERY CALM ABOUT IT.

The description to this beautiful site reads:

‘For those of us who enjoy our poetry more when it’s slightly tainted with fame, glitz, and glamour.’

Fame? CHECK. Glitz? CHECK. Glamour? CHECK. Slightly tainted??

I like mine SOILED.

 

THE PHIL GOOD FACTOR.

14 Oct

So today I’ve decided to live my life with one motto.

Watched  that hilarious episode of ‘Modern Family’ yesterday, where Josh Gad,( that guy who’s movie roles veer between nerdy brother/nephew/college student) an old neighborhood kid goes to the Dunphy house for a reunion of sorts. He’s grown from that gawky kid who stares at Claire too long and hero-worships Phil into a gawky man who stares at Claire too long and hero-worships Phil.

Except now he’s a gajillionaire. The key to his success, you ask?

What Would Phil Dunphy Do.

Emboldened by the fact that a fictional character’s rise to power in a fictional world was powered by this one simple question, I thought that perhaps my daily life could do with a little injection of Phil.

Situation #1: Alarm wakes me up at 7:00. Nope, I’m on study leave. I don’t get up that early.

What Would Phil Dunphy Do? Well. I reasoned it out. Phil is THE cool dad. He’d let me sleep.

Slept like a baby till 8.40. All ready to face the day and become a gazillionaire courtesy Phil Dunphy yo!

Situation #2: Nothing out for breakfast. Do not want to have muesli on a holiday.

What would Phil Dunphy Do? Take charge of the situation?

…..Or wait for somebody to make him breakfast? I like that option.

 BTW if asked nicely, my dad makes a mean omelette.

Situation #3: Apple juice and a Bounty chocolate in each hand. Which one do i put down first?

What Would Phil Dunphy Do?                        

 HAVE BOTH SIMULTANEOUSLY.

I AM PROUD OF YOU MUCHACHA.

The taste still hasn’t quite worn off yet.

The aftershocks that situation 3 created in my digestive tract have not left me deterred to follow my phil’s-ophy. It’ll take a while, maybe a really long while, but one day I’ll be rich and famous. I’ll be a gazillionare with the yachts and the cool clothes and the bling bling.

And when that day comes, I’ll say

THANK YOU PHIL DUNPHY.

SEALAND AHOY!

6 Oct

Ever dreamed of becoming a Lord or Lady but couldn’t because well err.. after Prince William got hitched there’s no hope for royalty?

Enter the Principality Of Sealand.

 

Land is actually a pretty loose term. It’s actually a sea-platform used in World War2 by the British.

 

For the redonkulus price of  £29.99, you can be a Baroness or a Baron or a Lord or a Lady.

For the even more redonkulus price of £199.99 you can become a Count or a Countess.

Come on. Admit it, you wanna be called a Count.

Interested in competitive sporting events? Join the Sealang egg-throwing team!

Okay, Fact Time. Sealand is ruled by Prince Roy Bates. It isn’t officially recognized by any country, but Germany reportedly sent a diplomat down there for a chat . There is even a Sealand Rebel Government if you are so inclined.

Other parties that were looking to get cosy with Sealand? Pirate Bay, back in 2007, when Sealand was up for sale and Pirate Bay was looking for a new home. Sealand didn’t want to get involved though.

And now, Wikileaks is thinking of moving their servers to Sealand.

To get you in the Sealand spirit, here’s their national anthem. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tePgys9euF8

Feeling like switching allegiances yet?

 

THE ZOMBIE CLAUSE

5 Oct

Last night, i was watching Modern Family. And that got me thinking.

Wouldn’t it be really cool to have a Roommate Agreement like Leonard and Sheldon do in The Big Bang Theory? With all the articles and addendums and Godzilla clauses and Body snatcher clauses?

And that little one about the zombies. The clause states that if Sheldon ever turned into a zombie, Leonard can’t kill him.

Personally, i disagree. If i turn into a zombie, you have the freedom to bump me off. If i don’t get to you first.

Anyway, that got me thinking again.( boy, was i on a roll) What are the odds that we’d ever come close to an actual zombie invasion?

Pretty close, as it turns out.

Ever heard of the mad cow disease epidemic? It started out in 1986 and in 1996 resulted in British beef being banned by the EU for 10 years. But the reason it caught the public attention was because of the fear that the infected beef was causing some kind of disease in humans.

The disease? The Creutzfeld-Jakob disease.

Its caused by a prion. Not anything like a bacteria or a virus, a prion is the simplest disease causing entity ever. Its just a protein fragment. Yet all the diseases caused by prions are untreatable and fatal.

UNTREATABLE AND FATAL.

It gets worse. Look at the symptoms for CJD:

  • jerky movements
  • changes in gait
  • rigid postures
  • seizures
  • HALLUCINATIONS.

Hmmm. Does that remind you of something?

Well. To be perfectly fair, CJD sufferers aren’t the undead. And they don’t go around in mobs. Yet. But if  some modified form of CJD (Umbrella Corp anyone?) ever became a worldwide epidemic, you might not be so discriminatory.

I recommend you add some sub-clauses to your Roommate Agreements right now.

THE NOTORIOUS S.T.I.G

4 Oct

Some say that all his pot plants are called Steve. And that he has a life size tattoo of his face.. on his face.

Some say he knows two facts about ducks, and that both of them are wrong .

Some say, that he is one of the protons in the Large Hadron Collider, AND that he creates miniature black holes every time he sneezes.

All we know is,

HE’S CALLED THE STIG.

 

Well, if we’re being really specific here, this guy is White Stig #2.

His Predecessors:

BLACK STIG

and WHITE STIG #1. I really don’t want to post another picture of the same thing. If its really bothering you, refer the #2’s picture. Same thing.

The Black Stig “drowned” while racing on top a navy carrier. All they could ever find was a glove.

White Stig #1 got fired after he wanted to release an autobiographical account of his life as the Stig- under his real name- Ben Collins. Or if you believe Top Gear, Judas Iscariot.

SO what was Top Gear going to do now?

Enter the Stig Farm.

However, the current Stig was picked up as baby. From a manger. In Bethlehem.

 

The Stig has a lot of family all over the world.

 

THE AMERICAN STIG. AKA BIG STIG.

 

His German cousin, Herr Stig. Or Stiggy Ray Cyrus

And my favorite

 

African Stig.

 

 

LIVING IT UP AT THE HOTEL BIBLIOPHILIA.

2 Oct

Tis the season for exams. And i need some escape from the books. After some Net-trawling, I found my new obsession.

MORE BOOKS.

Okay, maybe not exactly like that.

Bang in the middle of the hustle of New York City, there lies a hotel. A hotel arranged on the Dewey Decimal System. The name of this hotel?

The Library Hotel.

Now, the Dewey Decimal System is this weird way of cataloging books. (like our Uni library).

Eg: Take the number 800.005. 800 refers to Literature and 5 a sub-category, which here is Fairy Tales.

The Library Hotel has taken this and applied it to their 60 rooms. There are 12 floors, which each correspond to one major category, while the individual rooms themselves are subcategories.

Using the previous example, if your room number is 800.005, you know your room is on the 8th floor- designed with a Literature theme and your room .005 is the Fairy Tales room.

I WAAAAAAANNNT TO GO TO THERE.

However, if your taste is something different, like Geology- you can book yourself into 500.002. Or Music in Room 700.005. Each room is stocked with different books of a particular subcategory. No chance you’ll find Steven Hawking and Allen Ginsberg in the same room together. Teehee.

They also have this Bookmarks Lounge where they serve cocktails like Tequila Mockingbird and Gin and the Giant Peach. LITERARY PUN COCKTAILS. PLEASE PLEASE TAKE ME THERE.

The Poetry Garden is like a quaint little oasis on the rooftop of the hotel which adjoins the Writer’s Den.

Sigh. Self-flagellation. Best way to end another day.

No seriously, I’m going to save up every rupee and go there. Library Hotel Or Bust. Looking at the state of my finances…..lets say 15 years.

MUST WATCH MOVIES.

1 Oct

I don’t go to the movies that much for a die-hard film buff.

The last movie that I’d gone for was The Dark Knight Rises, primarily because I felt i owed myself and Christopher Nolan the satisfaction of watching his movies without going in for a ripped-off print from one of my friends in the seedy underworld of movie pirating.

Okay. That was a lie.

I have no movie pirates as friends.

Besides, this got me thinking about the movies I’d contemplate going to the cinema and watching.

  1. Argo

Now,I feel i must warn you, this movie is directed by Ben Affleck. And starring Ben Affleck.

Normally i might be scared,  but after seeing ‘The Town’, I’m pretty sure this might actually be an awesome movie. The story is based on a real-life CIA plan to rescue 6 diplomats from Iran during the Iran hostage crisis. The screenplay is based on a Wired article by Joshuah Bearman called  “How the CIA Used a Fake Sci-Fi Flick to Rescue Americans from Tehran”. (HELL YEAH)  If you want to read the article, here’s the link: http://www.wired.com/magazine/2007/04/feat_cia

2. Looper

Ah, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I love you. And i know you love me too. Return my calls ASAP.

Ahem. Looper has already released in the US last week, to resounding critical acclaim and praise. Its a science fiction action film. (eargasm anyone??) When the mob has do away with anyone, they send their target 30 years into the past, where a “looper” (JGL) will take care of business. Now, the mob has decided to do away with my JGL and they send his future self (Bruce Willis) into the past for assassination.

3. Lincoln

This movie hasn’t even been released and yet its already being touted as a potential Oscar nominee.

Why?

Because it has Daniel Day-Lewis in it.

Daniel Day-Lewis is like a hibernating animal in winter, only coming out for food and an Oscar nomination. The movie itself( directed by Steven Spielberg)  revolves around the last four months of Lincoln’s life and “will focus on the political collision of Lincoln and the powerful men of his cabinet on the road to abolition and the end of the Civil War.”

4. Django Unchained

Oh man. I really really desperately want this movie to be awesome. I want it to have all the weird dialogue, random violence and movie references that every Tarantino movie has. And that’s all I’m going to say about it.

Okay that’s NOT all. Just one random fact. Lady Gaga was considered for the role of one Lara Lee Candie Fitzwilly. (try saying that really fast)

And finally..

5. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Damn you Martin Freeman. And you Benedict Cumberbatch. You have no right doing this. Get your asses back to Sherlock. PRONTO.

The entire LOTR fandom has been holding their breath way too long for this movie. Luckily, Peter Jackson saved a good portion of humanity from oxygen deprivation by FINALLY getting filming underway in 2011.

A two part film which might become a trilogy? Lord knows. All I’m sure of is that there is noooooo way I’m missing a LOTR movie in the theatres.

SEE YOU AT THE MOOOOOOVIES!!

WHO’S BETTER. WHO’S BEST.

30 Sep

When i listen to a song i usually listen to it on the lather, rinse and repeat- a- billion- times setting. 

So instead of studying for my exams- that was exactly what i was doing. Today’s song was Baba O’Riley by The Who.

Man, that song makes me want to have extra long fingers so i can play it on the guitar. As it is, i can barely form the B minor chord without much hand distress.

Yeah, my fingers are tiny.

Back to the song. The song is actually a combination of the names of two people who had a huge effect on Pete Townshend. The Baba bit refers to Meher Baba, a spiritual guru of whom Townshend was an ardent follower. The O’Riley part refers to the composer Terry Riley, who’s also inspired the synthesizer bit at the beginning of the song.

The song was actually supposed to be something very different and incredibly conceptual. The original idea for that famous synthesizer sequence was to input Meher Baba’s life statistics into the synthesizer, which would, in theory, generate a musical portrait of sorts to form the basis of the song.

Just think. If that concept had stuck you would have been listening to Meher Baba’s life song every time you saw the opening credits for CSI:NY.

Small mercies.

However, much like a obstinate bulldog, Pete Townshend came back with The Lifehouse Method in 2007. Net users could register on the website and enter data about themselves, which would create a musical composition. 10,000 applicants later, the website was discontinued. 10,000 pieces of original work.

Now, in 2012, only a few of the pieces will be selected to be expanded into full-length songs and compositions. Songs about actual people!

Can’t wait to hear what they sound like.